The Wedge

It was an incredible late spring day and the weekend had finally arrived. The final push through the school year was in full force and William, or Billy as his friends referred to him, was fed up with school and he hated having to study and do homework. He couldn't wait to spend the summer days riding his bike around town without a care in the world. The salt and sand had been swept from the roads so he had already dusted off his skateboard, and his rollerblades had also been put to use. The days were getting longer and evenings could be spent playing roller hockey, which helped all the kids let off some steam. As the stresses of schools and and exams continued to build, there weren't enough outlets and everyone was a little on edge. Billy would find himself sitting in his math class staring out the window daydreaming about the complete freedom of summer. That was what he yearned for. He looked forward to swimming in the lakes, jumping off of cliffs, swinging on rope swings, and most of all he couldn't wait to see all the young women in their bikini tops and those tiny little cut off blue jean shorts with the pockets hanging down lower than the fraying ends. He had already been smoking dope with his friends. Never in anyone's house, but in back yards, or on the local hiking trails. They would often end up doing bong hits on top of the local mountain. You could sense that Billy was getting excited for those hot summer nights. For years he had heard so much about the keg parties that the older kids would throw. Eventually he learned to be crafty enough so he could actually attend them. The go to eventually became asking if he could sleep over at Singer's place. Mrs. Singer, well, she was an interesting old biddy, a widow in some sense of the word, but her husband had died after their divorce. She slept soundly with a fan in her widow and always had this machine making white noise for her. She even had one of those masks to put over her eyes to keep all the light from her eyes. Sometimes the boys would stay up late and they would sneak through the house playing tag games and hide and go seek in the dark. They learned through time where the squeeky boards were and used all of their senses to find each other and keep themselves from being found. Sometimes they even snuck down the stairs into the basement to play ping pong, but after they were given the chance to sleep in the big room, the rules changed in their heads forever. See, instead of sleeping in Isaac's room which was across the hall from Mrs. Singers room, the boys were on the complete opposite side of the house which had given them even more freedom. The big glass sliding door was easy to open and it could be slid open and shut without any worry making much noise at all. The boys would set up the blankets and pillows to make it look like they were sleeping soundly, and then they would slip out the door disappearing into the night. The decoys we're likely unnecessary as it's not known how often Mrs. Singer would come to check on them, if she even came to check at all. But precautions were taken none the less. What if she had wanted a midnight snack from the kitchen or what if she wanted a glass of water? "You can never be too careful." His favorite parties were the ones that were either deep in the woods with a bonfire or down by the lake where the ropeswing hung from the gnarled oak. Both had their advantages, but the down side to the parties with fires was the need for extra clothes and keeping the smokey smelling clothes hidden from their parents. William was looking forward to kicking a hacky sac, listening to loud music, and even playing volleyball at the beach. But most of all he couldn't wait to show off the muscles he had been working so hard to build. Last winter, when Christmas had rolled around the only gifts he had wanted were for body building. He asked for a weight bench, a barbell, some dumbbells and a few plates. You see, last fall, William had anticipated one of the best nights of his life, but it turned instead, into one that had scarred him deeply. Let's explore that night together, shall we? Halloween had always been Billy's favorite holiday. From a young age he was taught to never take candy from strangers, and rightfully so. If a grown adult lures a child somewhere with candy, most likely they are up to no good. The sinister acts committed by such people could be the very thing that cuts a person's soul in half. The fact that this holiday celebrated an act so close to such potentially damaging and heinous crimes was so ironic, almost to the point of ridiculous, that he fell in love with it. He loved the idea of people wearing costumes and he always put a lot of effort and energy into designing his. This year in particular he wanted to be powerful, everliving and dark. Being a smaller kid, he had taken his lumps while cutting his teeth in the suburbs. He would have wished he could be big had he been given the chance by the mighty Zoltan. He wasn't the smallest teenager, but he definitely hadn't finished his growth spurt. Puberty had begun as evidenced by his desire to see half naked women, and the awkward buldge he often found pressing against his zipper. Adolescence hadn't given him the acne to warrant a pizza face comment, but it also hadn't gifted him broad shoulders or much by way of facial hair. Some might have said he looked like there was some dirt on his lip. It was unfortunate because these features also gave the bullies something to squawk about. "Nice mustache Billy. Did you get that look from your mom?" One of the bully kids named Andrew chirped at him as he walked by in the hallway. You see, Billy was smaller, but he wasn't the smallest. He also wanted to be accepted by the older crew, so he took the hell anyone gave him to appear tough. Basically he would just take it on the chin most days. A few times a month he would end up with black and blue arms from someone wanting to go punch for punch with him. But try as he could to earn the respect he likely deserved, the Leaders wouldn't have it. The local crew of misfits and pot smoking dirtbags had hazed Billy for about a year now. Wasn't his tenure over yet? Why didn't they start picking on someone else yet? What were they waiting for? He also wondered, "Did they even like me?" The Leaders hadn't considered it . There hadn't been much talk on subjects of hazing or how to deal with outsiders joining their gang yet. These were still the early days. Supposing as long it was still fun, they were apt to continue in their ruthless ways. There was that one night outside at the Baker's residence when Jon Baker really got him good though. Billy was off guard because he was involved in a deep stoner conversation. "Have you ever wondered how deep a hole you can actually dig with a shovel" Paulie asked. "Like how far down can you dig until you get stopped completely by some kind of metal or rock? Or how far can I dig before I get tired" asked Billy. "I hadn't thought about it too much. Maybe how far can you dig before the walls cave in on you and you get buried alive." Billy, was passing the joint back. "Here." he said holding in his hit. He breathed out the thick cloud of smoke and his reply was interrupted with a few poorly placed coughs. "Oh man, ahummmm kahumm, being buried alive ckchm has to be so kahem terrible. Whoof. And then if you open your mouth to scream it will fill up with dirt and worm poop." The conversation trailed along in the unusual way they often do. Jon took his hit in turn and hadn't said much the whole time as he had a plot brewing that had kept him distracted. Nobody took notice, but he was a little antsy and had trouble standing still. Then, Jonesy chimed in from across the patio, behind Billy. "I'll bet it's only like 5 feet max," he said. When Billy swung around to say how ridiculous 5 feet was as an answer, Jon sprung into action. It was only for only a moment, but a moment was all he needed. JB wasted no time at all. From under his one short leg, he whipped out his pecker, he stopped doing the peepee dance and let it rip right down the back of Billy's legs. "Shaboygen!" He screamed. Billy jumped away, "You asshole! What the fuck!? Man!" the Baker's laughed and laughed. "Got ya! Rules is rules fucker!" "I'm gonna get you for this!" Billy screamed as he stormed off to get rinsed and changed at home. But that shameful act didn't end his hazing. The hilarity of it only made the Leaders press harder. Now let's get back to that night at the Halloween party shall we. The party had been talked about for several weeks leading up to it and the odds were good that pretty much anyone who's anyone would be there. Over the hill along the pipeline, 50 yards from the outer edge of old miss Lansing's corn field, there were a few glacial eratics scattered about. Some of the neighborhood kids built a few forts with sticks and logs giving it a bit of a "spooky squatters live here" kind of look. It was actually a pretty cool place with a couple small fire pits, rocks to climb on and sit on and it was a good ten minute walk to get there from any direction. Off to the left was even one area with an old fence remnant that offered pretty decent privacy. The girls would often go behind it in small groups to pee while one of them acted as lookout. Some of the older folks in town would refer to the place as the elephant rocks, but most of the highschool knew it as the Villiage. Earlier that evening, Billy had only one thing in his mind. Tonight, he would approach the girl he had been crushing on and ask her out. He had noticed her looking at him a few times, and they talked a few times in the courtyard at school, but he always chickened out. She giggled at one of his dumb jokes and he thought, "She will be mine. One day... Actually soon." Little did he know when he got dressed after his shower, that wearing nice new clean underwear would cause him great pain. When he got dressed to go out that night he had in mind cleanliness and tidyness to impress the women. He hadn't considered the cans of shaving cream, or the eggs, at all. He was single minded and focused. Actually it wasn't all women he wanted to impress, there was only one woman in particular. Julie Jensen. She was definitely above average in looks but to him, she was the most beautiful, the most incredible goddess to ever Grace the world. To Billy, when she walked, it was as if she was floating like an angel. His hands would get clammy and his voice would crack whenever she was around. He had hoped she wouldn't notice how foolish he felt. "Girls like confidence." He repeated the advice his older brother Danny had once given him. That night he kept dreaming up the courage to go talk to her. What should he say? What would she say? Words. What words? He paced awkwardly around and it took him a long time to get the courage, some of which was liquid, but eventually he took off his black blazer and handed it to Singer. Then he said the famous last words "Hold my beer." Then he walked right up to her. His hair was slicked back, his bright white fangs contrasted the black silk shirt he got from the thrift store. He had painted some blood dripping down from the corners of his mouth. "Julie" he said, and she turned to look at him. Her deep blue eyes shined in the firelight. Meanwhile the Leaders were across the yard looking on and Paulie was calling a play by play. "He's going in. He's really going. Would ya look at the balls on this kid?"... These days were still the early days, they were way back before William ever learned about wool socks. These were the days when grabbing a pair of socks from the drawer was a little bit of a gamble. Will these socks suffice or is today the day they give up? Will they be chokers or the quitters? Or is today the day that they both show their ugly head and the whole elastic band separates from the bottom of the sock? Cheap cotton and spandex materials were used to make these under garments. The stocking stuffers and Christmas gifts given by grandma the prior year. And after almost a full year of use and abuse... They might be on the verge of failure as early as the first day of school. Even the tighty whiteys had their limits. Some days it was important to dress with the appropriate attire and even busted old underwear with shitty elastic bands had their time to shine. But today, today William proudly unpackaged a new pair of underwear. A pair that he had been saving since last Christmas, for a special occasion. "Ya don't want to be caught dead in a dirty pair of shit stained underwear." More of his older brother's wisdom echoed in his head. He looked at Julie studying her face. Even her imperfections added to her beauty. Her crooked smile, the slight imperfection in her teeth, her one little freckle, they all enhanced her beauty. She was so angelic to him that it was almost as if she was floating on a cloud in front of him. He had to look up at her even though he was standing on his toes. Her eyes were the deepest blue. Bluer than the Pacific ocean off the coast of Big Sur California. He was mesmerized by them. He cleared his throat. He reached out to take her by the hand. She was a little taken back by it. "I want to suck your blood." He blurted awkwardly. "I mean, will you be with me... Forever." He hadn't gotten all of his stupid words out of his mouth when he felt himself being hoisted into the air by the seat of his pants. Andrew had taken notice of the little twerp and saw an opportunity he couldn't pass up. The elastic band of Billy's brand new Hanes was showing in the moonlight. He grabbed a fistfull of it and lifted little Will right off the ground. He pitched forward a bit and Julie jumped back. He kicked and flailed his arms and his legs but it was all for naught. Andrew raised and lowered him. He shook him up and down till he looked like a puppet being played by a marionette. A high pitched noise bellowed from deep inside and it echoed through the night. It was a howl like that of a dying wolf. "Let him go!" Julie shouted. "Leave the poor kid alone." She said. She had good intentions but her words stung worse than the underwear crammed up his ass. "Poor kid." His heart sank. He had no fight left in him. He dangled lifelessly in mid air, while Andrew carried him like a suitcase across the way to the "ladies room." The entire Village erupted with laughter as Andy lifted with all his might. Billy was thrust high into the sky until he hung lifeless from the fence post. He looked like he'd been crucified. Tears mixed in his with make-up. His hair was a mess. One kid shot him with shaving cream and then another. Then an egg came flying from across the way and hit him in the chest. He cried. Then he sobbed. How was he such a pussy? And when it was all over Singer wasn't even strong enough to get him down. The humiliation. Singer plead for help. "Can someone please help me!?" The Baker's had seen enough. They grabbed Jonesy and together the three of them set little Billy free.

The end.

In the beginning... Let's be real here. Do we really truly know where the beginning is? When was it? And what about the end? We have all of these guesses about the end. Religions have created stories to tell the end. Science has its version of the end of our nearest star in the sky. It will expand before it shrinks and everything that exists on the earth will be consumed in the fireball. Will humans still exist? Hopefully they get off this space rock by then. Scientists also have different versions of how the planet could cease to be a place that harbors advanced life, and they have hypotheses about how long cockroaches will stick around after we're gone. They know how the world as we know it will end but will it really be over? Whatever it becomes, it's still going to be a part of the story. And where in time did it begin and was there something before that? And if there was something prior then wasn't it the beginning? One thing that I do know is that it didn't begin with me. I suppose it could have, but the lives of others who have lived before me, before us, they tell us otherwise. As for the end of life? Well just because people pass away, doesn't mean they never existed. And if they did exist, then they will always be a part of the story. They were in it and so they still are in it. They leave their mark. Think first of some of the historical figures from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. From Genghis Khan to Socrates and from Joan of arc to Beethoven.

Even the most insignificant life is impactful to the ones around it. A woman has a child and it's a still birth, or she has a child and it dies of sudden death syndrome after a few months of living and breathing and eating and pooping. Even a miscarriage or an abortion will cause grief and pain that can be difficult. The families mourn. The doctors feel each loss. The midwives built relationships with the families and they too feel the losses. Those short lives, made ripples. And the ripples continue out with no end and no shore to stop them. There is no end for them that I can foresee, there's just a continuence. Those lives didn't end. Your life doesn't end. My life too, doesn't end. The people I have met along the way and the thoughts they have and the memories they have are all a continuence of me. My friends, my ex wife, my childhood friends, the people I randomly meet at a hot spring in idaho. They take something from our encounter. Even if they just had to alter their course to get around my belongings, or even my body, their life was changed. Then, to add another layer, try to see everything as though it is happening now. Because all of it is. All of it. Everything is in every moment if you stop to look deeply enough at it. The ever changing river or the ever changing mountain is always there. Even before it was a river the makings of a river were there. And after the stream dries up, it's part of the story of what was and what comes next. If the mountains crumble and fall, they will have been a part of the story of the things that come next. Let's say the rubble falls as a rock slide and dams the river creating a lake. The lake becomes a habitat for fish, they grow big and strong and the birds of prey swoop through the sky, and perch on the trees eating their catch. They make a mess and some fish pieces fall to the ground. Something else eats the scraps. The food becomes poop and the poop feeds the plants and something eats the plants. This can go on forever. Oh, right... it does! Back to the mountain... When did it form? Was it a volcanic intrusion? A tectonic collision? Before either there were layers of sediment and organic matter that accumulated slowly over the centuries, one year at a time. Then the crust of the earth quaked and the plates shifted. If it was a volcano the magma formed deep below the surface of the earth and then after it flows and cools new land is created. Then when we drive along the striated layers of rock on the side of the mountain we can see that some layers are 400 million years old and then another layer is only 280 million years old. The mountain wouldn't be what it is without each layer. Each of those layers formed eons ago and sometimes they formed under and ocean and then fossils from sea creatures are found 5000 feet above sea level. Now let's take a closer look at the river that runs down the side of the mountain into the valley that eventually twists and turns it's way to the ocean. Where did the water come from? Was it once a giant glacier slowly carving a deep U shaped valley? How much sediment does it carry each year from the mountainside while carving itself deeper and deeper into the landscape. Is it not as much the mountain as it is the rain that falls and the snow that fell several years ago? And isn't the rain as much the clouds above as it is the oceans that evaporated and later cooled and condensed? Where does the river actually begin? Is it in that mountaintop glacial lake? Or isn't the beginning actually the same ocean that it ends in? What would it be if it hadnt been evaporated by the heat from the sun? Maybe the river actually starts in the sun. Where did the molecules of Hydrogen and Oxygen come from? Was the beginning of the river actually the first water molecule? Somewhere in space the star dust... No. Wait... before the star could become dust it had to be a star and before it was a star it was gas and dust... But, how did the first hydrogen atom come to be? As you can see the beginning isn't easily defined. In the beginning of this life each of us was born. But are we not made of genetic material passed down to us from our parents and from their parents before them? If any of your ancestors hadn't lived until they procreated what would have come of your family tree? Which cell in your body was the first one to form? Is it not already dead long ago? How is it that you have been made small and have grown into a larger being? Didn't each and every cell that created your life die several times over by now? So when do we actually die if ever? Don't our cells and our flesh become something else? Just as the river becomes rain and the rain becomes the river. Will we not also become what we were before? And what exactly was it that we were? If our bodies are burnt into ash and burried into the ground, if a tree grows in that spot are we not the tree? When the eagle eats the fish is it not made up of the fish that it just ate? Is the birth of the fish any less important than the birth of the eagle? What would the eagle be had it not consumed all that it has? Seeing the eagle as the bird it presents as in the present moment is one way to see it. Can you not see the bugs that the fish ate or the blood that the mosquitoes needed to sustain life before they were swallowed by the dragon fly that was swallowed by the fish that lept from the water before it was snatched in the eagles talons? When we see the oak tree in the acorn we begin to understand that the acorn is more than just the genetic material of the tree that dropped it. Understand that it is also the sunlight and the rain and the organic material it grows in. If the sunlight didn't reach the place to warm the soil and the rain didn't fall and the soil wasn't fertile enough the tree wouldn't exist. And how about that family of squirrels nesting in the branches? Are they not a part of the trees story? Are they not part of the tree? Had the squirrel not buried the acorn, maybe the tree wouldn't have ever found the other requirements for it to live? A continuence is all there can ever be. It's always and forever and it's also now. Stay present and live in it. (Sorry about the odd photo dump, this blogger app is not that great. It gives me problems and I am learning to deal with it.)